In 1989 I flew to Europe by myself. (Note: I spent 2 weeks with my new friend Keith, in London, one week with Jodi and her family in Germany, and then 2 weeks with Mark on a bus tour of Europe. Mark and I spent our last week on our own and drove from Paris to the Normandy coast.) I had been divorced for 5 years but was still struggling with my identity and purpose in life. I was working in accounting and hating it. This excerpt from my journal will give you an idea of my thinking at that time.

The Trip that Changed My Life
June 10 – July 22, 1989
Europe

June 10 – I’m on the plane alone, and reading The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach and loving it.  This will be a journal about my feelings and where I am in life. 

Right now I’m loving having 10 marvelous hours alone to read, to think, to dream.  This is the greatest adventure of my life!!  I feel such freedom!  It’s a new sensation!  I never knew I would enjoy it so much!  In the past I’ve been afraid of freedom, afraid to be adventurous, afraid to be alone.  But what a wonderful revelation to discover, that freedom is as special as a very close friend.

Who are all the people I’m going to meet on this trip?  What wisdom can I gain from them?  What can I give to others?

The night is black out the tiny porthole of a window.  Inside there are people sleeping, some are reading, each locked into their own little world.  There are whispers of a shared friendship between two elderly ladies, and the wonderful British crispness in the voice of the stewardess.

During these long hours I have so much to contemplate.  Will Keith be there to meet me?  Or will he change his mind.  I don’t know him that well.  But it doesn’t really matter.  My trip is not based on him and whether or not my getting to know him will ever develop into a relationship.  This trip is all about discovering me and finding my own voice and destiny.  It’s about freedom, spreading my wings and not fearing what I may or may not discover.  I know this trip will be life changing for me.  It feels like something I must do!

How nice to be free of looking for a soul-mate.  How nice  just to enjoy people as they are, as friends.  I don’t have to say or do anything to please anyone.  I can be myself and share who I am.  Take me or leave me but this is who I am.

I would rather be seen for who I am and be alone
than to be accepted for someone I’m not and be lonely.

What are the areas of my life in which I am seeking direction?  What are my gifts?  What do I want to become?  I do know I want more than anything to be a cheerful giver and encourager.  I know I want to be an artist for not only my own enjoyment but to bring joy to others.  At times I have tried to be what someone else wants me to be but I can’t do that anymore. 

In my art, I want to learn how to develop my own style and medium and create and grow with it, not jumping around from one thing to the next.  I know too that I want to continue to write.  Perhaps I can combine my writing with my art.

What have I done all my life?  I have collected books and searched for the meaning of life.  Why not use this vast array of information and combine it with my art to share with others?  I love to send notes of encouragement so it’s a perfect match!  What a perfect vehicle of expression for me.  It is me!  I have found my niche!  This is my true center.

Creativity….
Searching, exploring, beginning, ending endeavors,
unfulfillment, frustration, disappointment,
Trying to weld ability and enjoyment into meaningful purpose.
Now….the discovery of a purpose which has always been there.
Sharing love, encouragement, giving through collections of words from within….
Kaleidoscope of color to mix with Edelweiss thoughts.

A life changing thought:  “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”  What gives me my deepest joy and gladness?  To encourage and inspire others through my words.  My joy overflows when I write words of love to my friends and family.  What is the world’s deep hunger?  Lack of self-esteem and lack of love.  Put them together along with my joy in creating in paint, and I have my Edelweiss.

I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know. (Joanna Field 1900)

Note: And yes, this trip was life changing. I returned, completed college, and found my purpose in teaching, encouraging, painting and making cards. My Edelweiss thoughts have always been within and now it is time to share them with my family in order to continue my purpose.

This trip was also special because  I was able to spend so much time with Mark. He was a fun traveler and everyone we met loved him! Take a look at some of my photos of the trip.

More poems…

London….
A room…..
Sunny, warm, half way round this sphere called
Earth.
Choices, discoveries, self unfolding,
happening here…
Is this a beginning?
Sunlight filling my bed, warming the bones, my eyelids,
Can this light be more?
Can I be one with the “I Am”?
What am I to be, to do?

Loving……
It’s all in loving.
Proud to be who God created.
Discarding, peeling off crusts of pretense…

Giving…..
Radiating this sun,
Reflecting back this warm love to others.

Donnalyn Rubarth
June 25, 1989

Twilight in London….

The night is a pastel blue
Streaked with pinks and
A whisper of peach,
Delicately painted above the horizon.
Black silhoueted trees
Moving ever so slightly
In a soft, rustling tone.
One star alone, waiting for the darkness
to coax it’s sisters into view.

And the sounds of twilight….
A whimpering dog in a neighbors yard…
The absence of the birds’ song…
A dull roar of cars far away
never ending…
voices from the park,
sometimes in unison
sometimes alone.

This is London
This is London at 10:00 PM
On a warm June night.

Donnalyn Rubarth
June 25, 1989