Category Archives: Guilt

The Pink Crayon Saga

This story has been told so many times it hardly seems necessary to include it, yet it was a life altering event and made an impact on me.

I was probably in about the third grade at Roosevelt Grammar School in San Gabriel, Calif. when this obsession occurred.  I say “obsession” because I have always loved color and have been intrigued by the many different hues in a crayon box.  Coloring was my creative outlet.  There was only one problem.  My box of crayons only had the basic 8 colors and Carl’s box had at least 24 beautiful crayons.

Carl sat in the next row, a couple of seats behind me.  I can remember walking down the aisle on my way out to recess and seeing all of his crayons carelessly strewn across his desk.  I thought if I had all those colors, I would certainly keep them neatly inside the box.  Day after day, I looked at the crayons and wished they were mine.

And then it happened. One day I noticed the most beautiful shade of pink I had ever seen in a crayon. It was right on the edge of his desk. Suddenly a plan quickly developed in my mind. Carl had already left the room to go to recess, as well as the other children and the teacher.  Oh how I wanted that crayon.  It was so easy, I just let my fingers graze his desk and suddenly the pink crayon was inside the palm of my hand.  I walked quickly out the door checking again to see if anyone had seen me.  The crayon went safely into my pocket.

I knew I couldn’t use it at school, but I fantasized about all the beautiful drawings I could make at home using the pink crayon.  I rationalized that Carl would never miss it.  Boys don’t use pink anyway.

All the way home on the bus I kept fingering the crayon in my pocket.  But the guilt started to creep into my heart.  My mother trusted me and I knew how wrong it was to take something that belonged to someone else.  I began to feel very dirty and the pink crayon wasn’t as important as it once was.       At home when I was alone, I took out the crayon and wanted to try it out, but I felt so ashamed, I couldn’t even make a mark with it.  I carefully wrapped the pink crayon in my hankie and took it back the next day.

Carl had never missed it.  I could hardly wait until recess so I could undo my terrible deed.  I never got caught but I learned without a doubt, that thievery would never be a part of my life.  I knew it was more important to be able to live with yourself and hold your head up high.

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7 Years Bad Luck

I guess I always knew my childhood was different from other children’s lives.  The children I read about in my collection of books, always portrayed a home with a picket fence in front and a mother who baked cookies for her children and a father who went off to work and came home at night.  Sure my mom was at home but our home consisted of a few rooms behind her beauty shop.  And Dad’s business was in the garage painting signs or trimming windows at the local department store.

My world of play was my imagination. I never thought that we were poor, but I knew money wasn’t plentiful either.  There wasn’t an abundance of toys but that didn’t matter.  I could always figure out something creative to do.

One day, when I was 7, I discovered a beautiful round beauty shop mirror stored under my mom and dad’s bed.  I pulled it out and cautiously leaned it against the bed.  I could see all of myself so I began to dance around in front of it, practicing the dance steps I had learned at tap class.

Suddenly the mirror slipped and crashed into many pieces.  I was horrified!  I remembered my mother telling me that if you broke a mirror you would have 7 years of bad luck.  I thought, maybe if no one knows about it, there won’t be bad luck, so I carefully took the pieces out the back door and hid them in some tall grass in the back yard.

Of course Mom found them.  She didn’t get after me but I felt terrible because I knew I had broken something very expensive.  In the midst of all the turmoil I did some quick calculations and figured that I would have bad luck until I was 14 years old.  (I remember turning 14 and thinking the curse is finally off!)